Joke’s on them, so are they!
My wife is leaving me because of the way I treat her friends.
“You’re not even a qualified Gynaecologist,” she said.
For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening…
My wife is leaving me because I keep forgetting to take the old coffee filter out of the machine…
She claims it’s grounds for divorce.
My wife hates it when I sneak up on her.
Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my wife.
My wife has just dumped me as she says I am obsessed with chess.
So far I have managed to keep my emotions in check.
My wife suggested I get a telescope, since I was so interested in astronomy.
I told her I’d look into it.
I’m going out covered in meaty chunks, gravy and biscuits.
My wife just said, “Where are you off to dressed up like a dog’s dinner?”.
I asked my wife how she avoids click-bait…
Her answer may shock you!
My wife said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’
I didn’t understand what my wife meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down…
And then the penne dropped.
I asked my new wife when her birthday was.
She said March 1st.
So I walked around the room and asked again.
Just been to B&Q with my wife and she got a ladder in her tights…
She’s an amazing shoplifter.
I’ve just found out my wife is really a ghost.
To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door…
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table…
I had to get a running start but I made it!
My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!
I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.
My wife and I had a big argument last night.
She called me gullible and financially irresponsible!
Wait until she hears I’ve won the Nigerian lottery…
I used to like to sleep with the bedside lamp on.
My wife would say, “Take it off, you look ridiculous!”.
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms.
My wife told me to stop making camera puns.
I said she should stop focusing on the negatives and develop a sense of humour!
She left me in a flash…
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat…You’re much bigger than that”.
My wife is making me a burger for dinner.
I’m relishing it.
Told the wife that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow.
Told Mum that the wife has something wrong with her.
My wife just asked me if I’d finished making puns about small onions.
I said, “Yes, that shallot”.
I met my wife at the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.
We’ve just bought a Lord of the Rings themed kitchen.
My wife loves the hob bit.
My wife has insisted that I cease making puns about classic Motown hits or she will leave me.
I agreed to stop, in the name of love.
My wife says I’m too sceptical… but I just don’t believe her.
I told my wife: There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween…
My wife: “Which is?”
Me: “Exactly“
My wife walked out on me for being too old-fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
And that’s not all ….